Lesson 8: I'm so hood

Ever find yourself without a ride? Not all college students have their own set of wheels. Also, not everyone can say "set of wheels" and look cool while they do it. Approach such gangta phrases with caution. 

Anyway, when you are looking for a means of transportation, I would like to remind you of a new accessory to modern cars: the trunk! God made this handy device for carrying all sorts of items: including people! Warning: This action is illegal in exactly 21.543 states. But if you are looking to live life on the wild side, stuff your friends in the back like cargo. Nothing says BFF like a bumpy ride in the back of a smelly SUV...

Cause you be so hood, you be TRUNK

Looks Like You're Gonna Need a Red Bull...

Lesson 6: Remembering How to Count

For all of you observant blog-readers, I did indeed skip lesson 6. While I could pretend such a mistake was purposeful and meaningful, it just wasnt. It's kind of like when you check your phone to see what time it is, then check it again because you weren't paying attention the first time. Except...I didn't check twice. So, the moral of this post? Check twice.
How does that relate to college, you ask? My, you ask the best questions...
1. Check twice before leaving your car on campus. Check the color of the lines you are parking in...white looks deceptively like purple in the dark. Frankly, your color blindness will not make your parking ticket void.
2. Check twice before drinking the milk in the fridge. It's too late when you are chomping down on the curdles of milk in your mouth to realize the expiration date was 2011 not 2012. Check it.
3. Check twice before you throw a textbook in your bag. Your spanish professor may not be very understanding when you lay a "Quantitative Reasoning" book on your desk. Wrong foreign language, folks. Check twice.
There are so many more instances I could think of, but honestly, I prefer lists that contain only three elements. Booyah.
One further note...when counting, don't skip six. It just makes you look stupid. FAIL.
Sincerely,

The girl who skipped six.

Lesson 7: Home Sweet Home

The time has come! It's finally time to go back to college. Your first response will probably be screaming "Victory!" or singing "Reunited and it feels so good". Either answer is normal, but as far as it being socially acceptable? That depends on how cool your friends are...
You will also probably have an unexplainable desire to stay up all night, eat junk food at every waking hour of the day, and do everything your parents would find absolutely appalling all on your first day back. If you have a serious case of university desperation disorder, you also might have a strong urge to stuff your suitcase under the bed and continue to live out of it instead of hanging your clothes back in your closet. You rebel, you! In this case, I would recommend seeing a specialist.
Yes, it's exciting to be back "home" where matching clothes is overrated, sleep is for the weak, and trips to Walmart are a thrilling pastime...but you have a whole semester to do all of your favorite, questionable things. Don't try to jam-pack everything in one day. Or in one week, for that matter. Such jamming may produce an exhausted student who wishes for nothing but the "boring" days back under Mom and Pop's roof.
And heaven forbid you want that!

Lesson 5: Get Off Me, Bro!

All college students get a bit antsy over winter break. At first, the snacks and goodies you have been lacking while away from home can make the separation a little easier. Yeah you miss your friends, but Gramma's famous pecan pie? That eases the pain for sure. But, calorie-packed yummies can keep you content for only so long, after all.
How do you go about long-distance communication? You haven't been away from your new friends for such a long time before. The last thing you want to do is be the needy friend who sends "I miss you texts" Every. Single. Day.
Heaven forbid you be THAT guy. Oh lordy.
What?! Don't text your friends?! Before you get your snuggie in a wad, hear me out. Keeping up with your friends is great. But when you are hanging out with your friends at home, ditch the iPhone. (Not literally. I don't advise physically tossing your phone aside...trust me. Long story that includes tears, breaking glass, and several rubber cases later...)
And don't be THAT guy (Not the one from before, but another guy...maybe the first guy's brother) who posts "Bored...hmu" on facebook. First of all, "hmu"? I know it stands for "hit me up", but are you so stuffed from Christmas dinner that you can't move your fingers over a few more keys to type out the whole thing? Second, what does "hit me up" even mean? I'd love to punch you in the face, but if you ask for it, it seems a little less satisfying. And lastly, save yourself the trouble and just don't do it. Your college friends will still be there when you go back to school.
Moral of this very badly told story is: Even if you don't have a life, pretend you do.

Lesson 4: Avoiding Your Inner Scrooge

What the heck am I supposed to say during the months of November, December, and early January?
After all, you don't want to be sued for being overly-religious, or maybe too intolerant of religion, or maybe just looked at as a scrooge for saying nothing at all. The holidays are like walking on thin ice, literally...unless you live in Texas. In which case, I can recommend some fantastic deals on snow-makers to brighten your not-so-white-christmasy-days. 
Should we go over some rules? Take notes, people. 
Why are you not writing?!
This will be on the test!
That's better...
1. If you're Christian say "Merry Christmas"
2. If you are Jewish, say Happy Hanukkah"
3. If you believe in Kwanza ... say " Happy Kwanza" 
4. If you are Atheist, or a general non-believer in happy, festive, or smiley occasions...Go with "Happy Xmas" "Meh" or the traditional, "Bah Humbug!" (Spellings and pronunciations may vary)
5. If you are unsure and wanting to be unoffensive, go with HAPPY HOLIDAYS! That's what the rest of America seems to be doing. We wouldnt want to hurt anyone's feelings, right?
Basically, you break the ice. Grab yourself a religious hammer, and say whatever it is you believe. Why so difficult? Because we Americans like to make things as complicated as possible. Make a trip through airport security with a water bottle in your bag and you will understand my point. Trying to figure out what chipper seasonal phrase to use is like body scans at the airport: uncomfortable and unnecessarily evasive. Oftentimes, just like Christmas
Feliz Navidad! (For those foreign Christmas-goers)