Lesson 4: Avoiding Your Inner Scrooge

What the heck am I supposed to say during the months of November, December, and early January?
After all, you don't want to be sued for being overly-religious, or maybe too intolerant of religion, or maybe just looked at as a scrooge for saying nothing at all. The holidays are like walking on thin ice, literally...unless you live in Texas. In which case, I can recommend some fantastic deals on snow-makers to brighten your not-so-white-christmasy-days. 
Should we go over some rules? Take notes, people. 
Why are you not writing?!
This will be on the test!
That's better...
1. If you're Christian say "Merry Christmas"
2. If you are Jewish, say Happy Hanukkah"
3. If you believe in Kwanza ... say " Happy Kwanza" 
4. If you are Atheist, or a general non-believer in happy, festive, or smiley occasions...Go with "Happy Xmas" "Meh" or the traditional, "Bah Humbug!" (Spellings and pronunciations may vary)
5. If you are unsure and wanting to be unoffensive, go with HAPPY HOLIDAYS! That's what the rest of America seems to be doing. We wouldnt want to hurt anyone's feelings, right?
Basically, you break the ice. Grab yourself a religious hammer, and say whatever it is you believe. Why so difficult? Because we Americans like to make things as complicated as possible. Make a trip through airport security with a water bottle in your bag and you will understand my point. Trying to figure out what chipper seasonal phrase to use is like body scans at the airport: uncomfortable and unnecessarily evasive. Oftentimes, just like Christmas
Feliz Navidad! (For those foreign Christmas-goers)

Lesson 3: I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

I slept through my alarm, left my essay sitting on my bed, put my shorts on backwards, locked myself out of my room, and dropped my lunch on the floor.
Have you ever had a day like that? I think some of my days should be filmed and aired as a full episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos: College Edition.

So many things about college are different than middle school and high school. One thing never changes: embarrassing moments. They are inevitable and guaranteed.

Spinach is bound to get stuck in your teeth at least once during the semester. Since you cant avoid it, prepare for it. You need the kind of friends who will text you underneath the table and tell you there is a something green the size of a tree growing in your mouth. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to avoiding making yourself a public fool.

The one day you wear a white shirt? That will be the one day you feel like eating Italiano food. You will most likely order spaghetti with meat sauce. Then you will proceed to spill marinara down the front of your previously bleachy white tee. It's unavoidable and bound to happen at least once. You can't avoid noodly goodness forever. My suggestion?  You could carry around one of those bleach pens in your purse. Or you could wear the shirt shamelessly and tell everyone it’s the new style. Looking saucy today!

Does this post remind anyone of a certain Fergie song? "You got me trippin... (Oh)...fumbling (oh)..."

Anyways, dummies in college, don’t freak out about your freak-outs. There are going to happen.

If you can’t laugh at yourself... you can’t laugh at yourself…and you are missing out.

Lesson 2: I'm Bad, I'm Bad, You Know It (Michael Jackson voice)

Let's face it. When you go off to college, you can't wait to leave your parents. You have dreams of drinking straight out of the milk carton, never washing behind your ears, and going in public WITHOUT matching your clothes. I know, I know, college kids can be so darn rebellious. 

Just because you have that freedom doesn't mean you should exercise it all the time. Exercise? Yes. Exercise is a must: you don't want to come home for Christmas and have your grandma pinching your cheeks, telling you how much more there is of you to love now. While that may be true, you don't want that freshman fifteen just so grammy has more to love. Buy the old lady a cat or something if she needs something more to kiss and hug.

Anyways, be responsible. If you are going to two-step the night away with the total hottie who sleeps throughout your whole history class, that's a decision you and only you can make. Mommy won't be texting you, telling you it's time to come home. (If she is...we need to have a serious talk). Plan your schedule. Make time for the fun stuff, but get your homework done too. As much fun as college is, you're paying a whole heck of a lot of money to just hit the clubs. And if you are going dancing, pick a night where girls get in free.

The moral of the rambling is this: Being good at line dancing gets you no where in the real world, dummies. While it may attract the attention of an occasional cowboy here and there, it isn't a career-maker. Focus on preparing for the big bad world of adults, then you can dust off your boots and sequin belt and hit the dance floor. 

Lesson 1: Mastering Hide-And-Seek (Avoiding Campus Police)

"Miss, were you not buckled?"
"No, I was not, officer" (restraining myself from inserting a sarcastic comment)
"Do you understand that Texas law requires you to wear a seatbelt?"
"Yes, sir." (No! I had no idea! I was born under a rock...kind of like that cartoon guy, Patrick Star. Could you please enlighten me?!)
"I will let you off with a warning this time, but consider yourself lucky, young lady."
"Thank you so much, sir! Have a splendid night!" (Not sure why I said "splendid". It sounded better at the time than: Consider YOURself lucky I didn't jack-slap you upside the head for pointing out the insanely obvious and making me feel stupid.)

Has ^this ever happened to you? University Police are full of surprises. It is my firm belief that they pick the most dense and dark places to park, conveniently hiding from vision and then BAM! Sirens in your rear-view mirror. Campus police are masters at hide and seek. You know that kid from elementary school that peeked through his fingers while everyone else went to hide as he counted to forty? The officers on campus were ALL those kids. How they manage to find you unbuckled the one night you forget to put your seat belt on has puzzled me. The one night you eat a little too much pizza and feel bloated, so you decide that a seat belt would just make you feel fat...that's the night they will get you. They probably have spies at all of the cafeterias, keeping tabs on who is stuffing their face.
These men in uniform keep us safe. They also keep us from gaining that freshman fifteen. Can't a girl have a cookie here or there and sit comfortably unrestrained by a safety belt in her car afterwards? The answer, my friends, is no.
Don't over-eat and drive, dummies. But if you do, put on that seatbelt and speak respectfully to the masters of the game!